If you've had a colonoscopy, this will be even funnier, and if you haven't, your time is coming.This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make anappointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andyshowed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescriptionfor a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough tohold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. Inaccordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with lessflavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packetsof powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it withlukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter isabout 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takesabout an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint oflemon.The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a greatsense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowelmovement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jumpoff your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morningmy wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was Iworried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasionalreturn bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt onAndy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understoodand totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they ledme to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside alittle curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of thosehospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when youput it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actuallynaked.Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I wasalready lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka intheir MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of thisis, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsyto make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full FireHose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my leftside, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Haha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading formore than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and th e next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
- ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorcolumnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
- 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
- 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
- 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
- 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
- 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
- 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
- 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
- 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
- 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
- 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
- 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
- And the best one of all.
- 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not upthere?'